A Beginner's Guide to Walking in NYC

I am a walker. And when I say I'm a walker, I mean that it's one of my SuperPowers. I don't walk. I WALK. I've noticed over time that many people, while they have the upright, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other part down, seem to be somewhat challenged when it comes to knowing The Rules. I have decided, as an act of charity towards humanity, to share some of the hard-won wisdom I have gathered over the 10 years and countless miles of swathing paths through the urban jungle.

You're welcome.

1) WHEN IT'S RAINING carry an appropriately sized umbrella, fools!! Sidewalk space is valuable real estate, don't hog it with that freaking enormous golf umbrella! Ask yourself: Am I playing golf? Am I sheltering a kindergarten class from the rain? Do I weigh 400 lbs? If the answer to all of the above is no, then go buy a regular damn umbrella. Still confused? Let me break it down: Imagine umbrellas came with occupancy guidelines, like some apartments. That regular, craptastic $3 umbrella you bought off the street guy? That's a 1 bedroom. Comfortably fits 1 or 2 people. That slightly larger, "wind proof" umbrella your dumb ass dropped $50 on at the Samsonite store? Maaaaybe a 2 bedroom. A golf umbrella is a 3 bedroom. If you are the only a-hole under that thing, don't be surprised when people glare at you and/or laugh gleefully when you get splashed with Street Juice by the bus that hits the pothole. Because you are a Douche.

2) PEOPLE PUSHING STROLLERS should not walk in herds. I'm sorry, yes your baby is very cute but when you and two of your friends are pushing these newfangled monstrosities that have more standard options than your average minivan (cupholders? really?) side by side down a crowded street? You, also, are being a Douche. I'm pretty sure that back in the day, strollers were merely devices intended to push Baby from point A to point B. These new things have compartments for mom's People magazine, her Bloomingdale's bags and Starbucks Skinny Latte, half the crap Baby scored at the shower, and a Blackberry charging station. Really? How far are you going?! How far could you possibly push that beast and do you really need all this stuff? Sherpas headed up Everest would consider that overpacking.

3) YES CABS ARE SCARY but they are far, far from the worst threat facing pedestrians in our fair city. Frequently cabbies don't own their cabs and they're not trying to spend their afternoon Down At The Station where they can contemplate if ArmorAll protects wheels from blood and guts. True menaces include: Buses. They are providing a Public Service, more or less, and have a skewed sense of entitlement when it comes to traffic rules. Bike Messengers. Bike Messengers can be truly scary even when they're not on their bikes! They make motorcycles gangs look like Ladies Who Lunch. Although in paper, rock and scissors, Bus wins over Bike Messenger. Access-a-ride. Apparently times are tough for the transporters of the handicapped, as they always seem to be trying to create new customers. Bike Messenger trumps Access-a-Ride, but Access-a-Ride and Bus...well, that's a draw.

4) MAN UP AND LEARN how to jaywalk properly! This isn't Japan, people, it's NYC! The jaywalking capital of the world! There is an art to it, as well as a certain satisfaction when A Walker is able to double-block a car (timing is everything, you have to know how to judge a crosswalk). True and inspired jaywalking is a craft that must be honed, and involves a complicated system of traffic light knowledge, an understanding of human nature and the periodic table, balls, and a careful selection of Human Shields. For those neophytes who may be timid, the Human Shield is an excellent start on a path to Jaywalking Greatness. The elderly, the aforementioned Stroller Pushers (really anyone with a child), the drunken stumbler (although their judgement may be off, choose carefully), tourists, or That Guy Who's Texting and Totally Not Paying Attention are all solid choices. The trick is to position yourself so they are in between you and oncoming traffic. Ta-da! If someone's getting hit, it's not you! See? Easy.

5) THERE IS AN ETIQUETTE TO WALKING IN THE RAIN. Do it right! If you have an umbrella, don't hog awnings. Yeah, look at that person who was too dumb to look out their window this morning, haha! What about you, smartypants? What about the next time you're in a rush and fail to bow before the altar of the Weather on the 1s on your way out the door? It's gonna happen! Either that or your douche co-worker will steal your umbrella, and then it will be your turn to be That Guy. Ha, who's laughing now? That's what I thought. Those without umbrellas automatically and without question get Awning Priority (although as an addendum, this does not include the right to huddle in a busy subway entrance - it's your turn, buddy, suck it up and get wet, or throw down $3 for a one-bedroom). Crappy, umbrella-necessitating weather also means a free pass for all the poor schmuck delivery guys, and yes, even those psychopath bike messengers. If they nearly run you down, today it's probably not because they're being dicks (although this is still a possibility), it's because they're dripping wet and freezing their man parts off.

So there you have it. It's merely a beginner's guide, and I'm sure I will manage to piss off a bike messenger (heh! sorry!) but, regardless, please take heed. Intermediate/ advanced guide forthcoming...

Blueprint cleanse: Day 3

Today was more or less like yesterday - I felt mostly good. Energetic, clear-headed, and just kind of clean. Not to mention skinny - I've lost 4 pounds since I started! Maybe it's water, but it is motivating.

I did feel hungry at times. I've found my definition of "hunger" has really changed. When I do feel hunger pains, it's a more of an empty feeling (probably because my stomach is actually totally empty for once!) than a pain. I have had some random cravings for food, usually when I smell it, but it doesn't seem to trigger actual hunger. It's more of a passing thought that sounds good at the time but is quickly dismissed. I have discovered that I probably eat out of boredom a lot. At times during work, I would have an impulse to go to the snack cabinet. For no reason. I wasn't particularly hungry or experiencing a craving.

This experience has been an interesting one. I do feel "cleansed". I am looking forward to CHEWING again! I don't think I could do it every month, as the Blueprint Cleanse people recommend, but twice a year would be perfect! The first day is rough, but the glowing skin and numbers on the scale make it worth sticking out the three days!

Blueprint cleanse: Day 2

11:30 AM - I woke up today and I wasn't hungry. Hmm. This is odd for me, I generally am totally ravenous by the time I leave for work (around 8:30). I drank my room-temperature water, and my body seemed to be totally cool with that. Hm!

When I got to work, I chugged back my green juice (which today didn't taste quite as unpalatable!) and supplemented that with some herbal tea and water. I should probably consider moving my desk closer to the bathroom for the next two days.

Up to this point, I had been feeling pretty good! Clear-headed, and kind of light and fresh (and also skinny, I dropped 2 lbs since Sunday!). Around 10:15, that all changed. I totally crashed - I suddenly felt as if I had been up until 4 AM last night doing Kamakaze shots. I was bone tired, mentally fuzzy, I had a headache and felt phsyically worn down. I literally almost fell asleep at my desk ("No, I'm just stretching my neck, I had a kink in it!"). I decided it was time for a caffine boost, and grabbed a green tea. That seems to have done the trick!

4:25 PM - I am still feeling pretty good! I've been quite productive today, and managed to get through some very unstimulating tasks with relative ease. I also haven't been all that hungry. One time I did smell some "phantom" food, and perked up eagerly, but once I realized it wasn't real, I settled back into work without a problem. I'm drinking the lemonade now, which is very refreshing. I can't say I am all that excited about the beet juice tonight. Hopefully it will be like the green drink and taste better the second time around.

11:00 PM - The beet juice was harder this time, but I tried chugging it, so maybe that was the problem. It's got a lot of flavor, and it can be kind of overwhelming. The nut milk was much better tonight. Although it's kind of gritty, I look at it as an opportunity to chew. Ha.

I've noticed that my skin is looking really good. I saw myself in the mirror tonight and literally did a second-take. It is literally glowing. Maybe there is something to all this...

Blueprint Cleanse: Day 1

I woke up hungry. Like, hungry hungry. I am a breakfast eater - it's my favorite meal of the day, hands down. I typically start out the day with fruit, Kashi cereal with soy milk or Greek yogurt (or an everything bagel with light cream cheese if I am being "bad"). Today, however, the first item on the menu was water, either room temperature or hot with lemon (mmm! how filling!). I drank down my water, but it didn't do much to curb my appetite (shocking, I know). I couldn't wait to get to work where my first juice was waiting for me!

When I arrived at my office, I raced to the fridge for my first juice of the day (the green juice, consisting of of romaine, celery, cucumber, green apple, spinach, kale, parsley and lemon). Tomorrow morning, I may not run quite as fast. It looks and smells like grass juice. I'm not accustomed to breakfast vegetables, unless they are in an omelet. So it was a little disappointing, but hunger prevailed and I cracked it open. To my surprise, it tasted much better than it smelled. But it was still kind of a struggle to get down. About halfway through, I was feeling a little sick to my stomach. Luckily, that passed (it may have been the green tea I was drinking to supplement the juice).

Now, I am waiting for my "lunch" juice. I'm trying to hold back until noon, but it's rough. I am drinking a water to shut my growling stomach up. Besides being hungry, though, I feel pretty good. Kind of mentally clear. But my breath is kickin'! And I read it's not good to chew gum because it makes your body think it's eating, which makes you hungrier. So I'll be hitting the Listerine pretty hard today, and tomorrow I will try to remember to bring my toothbrush.

1:00 PM - So I'm on to the second juice now (pineapple, apple and mint). I started drinking it around noon. I find that drinking them slowly curbs potential hunger. This one is actually pretty tasty.

2:40 PM - I was feeling a little sluggish a bit ago. Just kind of all-around not-so-hot. I'm kind of not looking forward to this next juice (the second green one! Noooo!), but I'm starving so I will choke it down.

4:00 PM - I triumphed over the second green juice! Yea! This one wasn't as bad as the first one (maybe because I was STARVING. I bet if I had rushed down to Central Park in a frenzy of starvation and ripped up a handful of grass, that would have tasted okay, too). Energy-wise, I am doing pretty well. I feel pretty well overall, but sometimes I get slight waves of stomach-upset. That and I am peeing a LOT. I am even considering going to the gym tonight.

7:00 PM - I drank my other juice (like a master cleanse - water, lemon, agave and cayenne) about two hours ago. It was very light, refreshing and sweet, although how people do the master cleanse and drink nothing but that for 2 weeks is completely beyond me! I'm on to the beet juice now. It's not terrible. Tastes like...well, beets. The ingredients are: Apple, carrot, beet, lemon and ginger juice. It's got a really strong taste.

9:00 PM - Time for the "dessert" juice - cashew nut milk. It sounded delicious and creamy, with vanilla and Cinnamon sweetened by agave nectar. And the first swig was delicious! So was the second. And the third. However, by the time I had made my way halfway through the bottle, my enthusiasm was beginning to wane. It was kind of thick, with bits of crushed cashews floating around in it (you have to shake this one really well). At times, I almost felt like I needed to...chew! This should have made me happy, but truthfully, finishing it was a struggle. The sweetness started to upset my now-pristine stomach. Shortly afterwards, as I was puttering around my apartment, I was trying to place the strange sensation coming from my stomach. It took me a while to put my finger on it: I was full.