10.27 pm - I guess that Sam kid is going to college. Why is he so tan?
10.30 pm - Megan Fox apparently hasn't taken any acting lessons since the last Transformers.
Ooh! Sam found a Cube sliver (from the last one! Remember the last one? I do, vaguely!) that is making his toaster evil. Why didn't it have this effect if it was in his house the whole time..? And why is he so freakin' tan??
10.32 pm - Bumblebee! And why does Megan Fox's character wear lip gloss to work? She works at a garage, right?
10.34 pm - Why is Sam breaking up with Bumblebee? Bumblebee is awesome. "You'll always be my first car" - whatever, Sam! They all say that!
10.37 pm - Megan has the cube. Boring stuff. Army guys. Autobot slapstick (not funny). Ooh! Fancy space explosion, I hope? Ugh, no. Decepticons just stealing satellite information. Sigh.
10.40 pm - Optimus Prime should really consider voice-overs. "Coming...to a theater near you."
10.42 pm - Oh snap. That guy just totally gave the Decepticons the exact location of Megatron. Also a detailed briefing on the security surrounding him. NICE ONE, GUY!
10.44 pm - Seriously? Sam's college roommates have turned their dorm room into some kind of amateur TMZ headquarters. My dorm room wasn't big enough to do a full jumping jack.
10.49 pm - Oooh. Shiny tiger! Appears that Shiny Tiger is a Decepticon. And he's at an army base doing something eeeeevil with shiny silver marbles...that turned into shiny evil bugs! Lots of them! They appear to be better with computers than the IT guy at my work.
10.51 pm - Frat party. Also don't remember college being like this. The frat house is like a cool bar/lounge. Uh oh! Some other hot chick is macking on Sam! And he's leaving Megan allllll alooone! On the upside, Bumblebee is back! Hot chick is also unnaturally tan and now Sam has stood up the GF for their slightly-skeevy-sounding "webcam" date.
10.56 pm - It's suddenly daytime. Graveyard chat w/ Optimus Prime. Sam leaves things a 'lil awkward with the OP. There's a boat, and some fake-looking octopuses (octopi?). Oooh, I get it. The Decepticons are busting Megatron out of the joint (which is under the sea). Word. How is he not rusty? He's been in a moist environment for, like, three years. He's made out of metal, right?
11.01 pm - Wait, Megatron has a boss?
Oooh, Dwight from "The Office" is playing Sam's astronomy professor! I hope he got a good day rate for this. Rut-ro! Sam is losing his shizz! Good twitchy face, tho! Well at least one thing hasn't changed since I was in college - first semester meltdowns! Woot!
11.05 pm - Clumsy Decepticon. With a Bronx accent? It's the Joe Pesci Deceptcion.
11.10 pm - Oops. Turns out Hot Chick was actually...wait for it...wait for it...a Decepticon! She exploded out of her human body into a horrifying robot. And actually that was an improvement over the crusty fake tan she was rockin'. What's up with the TAAAAAANS??
11.12 pm - Hot chick Decepticon is blowing up the library! Ha! Too bad there's still the Internet, slackers! Get back to work on those term papers!
11.13 pm - We're bringing Sam's roommate into the mix. He's a salty Latino. Ooh! Car gets sawed in half. I'm yawning. The Decepticons got Sam! They should go at him first with some lemon juice and salt, this tan situation is really bugging me. Instead, they choose the boring route and stick a probe down his throat and try to saw his head open. Again with the saw...
11.17 pm - Hello, Autobots! Bumblebee and OP to the rescue. Sweet fight between Megatron and OP. It's in a forest, so they're breaking some trees. Sam does a cheesy leap. Maybe he's been taking Corny Stunt Manoeuvres 101 in college (Prof Nicholas Cage).
11.19 pm - No, OP! Don't try to take on all the Decepticons by yourself! NOOO! Where's Bumblebee? Wait - DID THEY JUST KILL OFF OPTIMUS PRIME????!? WTF, Michael Bay!
11.21 pm - I can't believe they just killed off Optimus Prime! And now Megatron's Boss is coming?? This movie sucks.
11.23 pm - Are those douche Decepticons in NYC? Why does every action movie director/writer feel the urge to destroy my home? This seems unfair. What's wrong with St. Louis or Detroit?
11.26 pm - Ooh the Decepticons are coming outta the closet! Oh gawd. Again with the "silly" Autobots. Ha. Yeah, this isn't Toy Story. Enough with the kiddie humor.
11.29 pm - * Tear * They drop OP off like some kind of cash-for-clunker trade-in. Again, what's with the TANS?? And why did they take Fergie's husband's character's badge?
11.37 pm - Something with a deli guy..with a top secret lair under his deli. Sorry, I went to smoke and missed something. Deli guy is unnaturally tan as well - is the color off on my TV or something? Oooh we're bringing back the Joe Pesci Decepticon. And now we're off to Washington D.C.
11.42 pm - The new guy! Poop jokes and fun with tasers! Breaking into the Smithsonian. Personal update - growing...bored. Getting...sleepy. Oh! They woke up a grouchy, British (?) Decepticon! With a beard..? He's like Gordon Ramsey, as a Decepticon.
11.47 pm - Wait - is Megatron's boss's name The Fallen? And I think they leaped to the Middle East? Oh it's Egypt. Oh, so this Decepticon is actually an Autobot. He decided he didn't like the negativity of the Decepticons. Nice.
11.50 pm - Oh, I see. Yes, Megatron's boss's name is actually...The Fallen. Sigh. That makes this whole movie that much less interesting. And it was already only mildly interesting. Sigh sigh.
11.52 pm - Did someone say this movie was hella long? Like 2 1/2 hours? Oh the new kid's name is Leo. Getting sleepy...
11.58 pm - Still not finding those "comic relief" Autobots very funny. So, they may be able to bring Optimus Prime back to life! How is it possible for Megan Fox to have perfect lip gloss on ALL THE TIME?? I can barely keep it on for 30 minutes.
12.01 am - I feel like I've given this little project all I've got to give. I'm bored and ready to go to bed. This movie is way too long. It has poorly written dialogue (jokes are only funny about 35% of the time), and overly complicated plot, and I'm completely uninvested in the well-being or fates of ANY of these characters.
Except Bumblebee and Optimus Prime.
