You're welcome.
1) WHEN IT'S RAINING carry an appropriately sized umbrella, fools!! Sidewalk space is valuable real estate, don't hog it with that freaking enormous golf umbrella! Ask yourself: Am I playing golf? Am I sheltering a kindergarten class from the rain? Do I weigh 400 lbs? If the answer to all of the above is no, then go buy a regular damn umbrella. Still confused? Let me break it down: Imagine umbrellas came with occupancy guidelines, like some apartments. That regular, craptastic $3 umbrella you bought off the street guy? That's a 1 bedroom. Comfortably fits 1 or 2 people. That slightly larger, "wind proof" umbrella your dumb ass dropped $50 on at the Samsonite store? Maaaaybe a 2 bedroom. A golf umbrella is a 3 bedroom. If you are the only a-hole under that thing, don't be surprised when people glare at you and/or laugh gleefully when you get splashed with Street Juice by the bus that hits the pothole. Because you are a Douche.
2) PEOPLE PUSHING STROLLERS should not walk in herds. I'm sorry, yes your baby is very cute but when you and two of your friends are pushing these newfangled monstrosities that have more standard options than your average minivan (cupholders? really?) side by side down a crowded street? You, also, are being a Douche. I'm pretty sure that back in the day, strollers were merely devices intended to push Baby from point A to point B. These new things have compartments for mom's People magazine, her Bloomingdale's bags and Starbucks Skinny Latte, half the crap Baby scored at the shower, and a Blackberry charging station. Really? How far are you going?! How far could you possibly push that beast and do you really need all this stuff? Sherpas headed up Everest would consider that overpacking.
3) YES CABS ARE SCARY but they are far, far from the worst threat facing pedestrians in our fair city. Frequently cabbies don't own their cabs and they're not trying to spend their afternoon Down At The Station where they can contemplate if ArmorAll protects wheels from blood and guts. True menaces include: Buses. They are providing a Public Service, more or less, and have a skewed sense of entitlement when it comes to traffic rules. Bike Messengers. Bike Messengers can be truly scary even when they're not on their bikes! They make motorcycles gangs look like Ladies Who Lunch. Although in paper, rock and scissors, Bus wins over Bike Messenger. Access-a-ride. Apparently times are tough for the transporters of the handicapped, as they always seem to be trying to create new customers. Bike Messenger trumps Access-a-Ride, but Access-a-Ride and Bus...well, that's a draw.
4) MAN UP AND LEARN how to jaywalk properly! This isn't Japan, people, it's NYC! The jaywalking capital of the world! There is an art to it, as well as a certain satisfaction when A Walker is able to double-block a car (timing is everything, you have to know how to judge a crosswalk). True and inspired jaywalking is a craft that must be honed, and involves a complicated system of traffic light knowledge, an understanding of human nature and the periodic table, balls, and a careful selection of Human Shields. For those neophytes who may be timid, the Human Shield is an excellent start on a path to Jaywalking Greatness. The elderly, the aforementioned Stroller Pushers (really anyone with a child), the drunken stumbler (although their judgement may be off, choose carefully), tourists, or That Guy Who's Texting and Totally Not Paying Attention are all solid choices. The trick is to position yourself so they are in between you and oncoming traffic. Ta-da! If someone's getting hit, it's not you! See? Easy.
5) THERE IS AN ETIQUETTE TO WALKING IN THE RAIN. Do it right! If you have an umbrella, don't hog awnings. Yeah, look at that person who was too dumb to look out their window this morning, haha! What about you, smartypants? What about the next time you're in a rush and fail to bow before the altar of the Weather on the 1s on your way out the door? It's gonna happen! Either that or your douche co-worker will steal your umbrella, and then it will be your turn to be That Guy. Ha, who's laughing now? That's what I thought. Those without umbrellas automatically and without question get Awning Priority (although as an addendum, this does not include the right to huddle in a busy subway entrance - it's your turn, buddy, suck it up and get wet, or throw down $3 for a one-bedroom). Crappy, umbrella-necessitating weather also means a free pass for all the poor schmuck delivery guys, and yes, even those psychopath bike messengers. If they nearly run you down, today it's probably not because they're being dicks (although this is still a possibility), it's because they're dripping wet and freezing their man parts off.
So there you have it. It's merely a beginner's guide, and I'm sure I will manage to piss off a bike messenger (heh! sorry!) but, regardless, please take heed. Intermediate/ advanced guide forthcoming...
