No-no #1: performance conversationalists While I'm sure that, to you and your friend, the intimate details of that awesome kegger/your last date/your annoying boss, job, professor/whatever are fascinating, I really don't give a sh!t about your personal life, and I'm willing to bet that the other 75 strangers on our car don't, either. If you're going to broadcast your conversation for all to hear, please at least have the decency not to be boring. For example:
Bitching about your chemistry assignment = bad!!! Shut up! Now!
Bitching about your chemistry professor hitting on your = better but still boring so shut up.
Bitching about what a freaky shag your chemistry professor is = good! (as long as ample details are provided)
No-no #2: eager beavers This phenomenom boggles my mind. Imagine this scenario: There is a crowded train that pulls into a station (Grand Central is particularly bad for this). The doors open, and there is an instant clash of bodies simultaneously trying to enter and exit the train. The waiting passengers plow forward like a zombified herd - "Must. Get. On. Train." Apparently it doesn't occur to them that, if they wait for passengers to exit the train first (like the nice man on the recording says), they will be spared the experience of literally fighting their way onto the train.
"Is this the 4 train?" "No!! I think it's the fiiiiiiiiivvvve!!!"
No-no #3: pole hoggers Yes, it's in the middle of the car, but that is no reason for you to lean on, drape yourself on, or otherwise hog the pole.
If you do insist on making love to the pole, don't even try to give me a dirty look when i sqeeze my hand in so I don't get tossed around when the conductor tries to take that curve like he's in the damn Indy 500. Share, dammit.
No-no #4: big fanny + small space Again, an offense that defies logic. It's very simple math, which just goes to reinforce how desperately the public school system is failing. If your ass is, say, 50 inches across, and you happen upon an open seat that is, say, 18 inches across, your ass will not fit in that space. 50 > 18 I know you will try to squeeze, force and coerce your oversized behind into that seat because I see it happen every day. Do yourself a favor: Stand. Standing burns more calories anyway, Tubby.
No-no #5: leg spreader Maybe you're on the train so much it feels like home to you. Yeah, it's actually not. It's a freakin' public train, so don't feel so comfortable that you decide to sprawl out like you're chilling on the BarcaLounger in your living room. Try to be aware that you're sharing the space with a bunch of other people, most of whom don't really care that you need to air your crotch out, or whatever it is you're doing.
No-no #6: get off my cloud These people are the worst of the bunch. Maybe they're a little frustrated because wifey isn't putting out like she used to, or maybe they're just twisted pervs who get their jollies by fondling random strangers on the train. Whatever. Doesn't matter. All that matters is that even my boyfriend has the sense not to try to feel me up before I've had my morning coffee, so if you think your little "oops I slipped and grabbed your butt. and then your boob." routine is gonna fly, you can get ready to say hello to my little friend:
You better recognize, bitches!!
Now, if everyone followed these rules, riding the train would be only mildly annoying. I didn't get to the hygene part, or the part about bodily fluids or the part addressing proper attire (aka Everybody's Free (to wear underwear)), but it is a beginning... Stayed tuned for my next installment: How to Ride the Bus (or There's A Freaking Picture Showing You How to Insert Your MetroCard, Dipshit)!
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