An Open Letter to Paris Hilton

Dear Paris,

I already miss the good old days when you were in the slammer. The day they locked you up, I could practically hear the satisfying clash of metal on metal as the doors to your cell slammed shut. "Why?" someone might ask, "what do you have against gentle Paris? She's never done anything to you!" Very true. Regardless, there are a number of things about you, Paris, that chap my ass. First and foremost, your questionable taste in fashion:















Seriously? What's going on here?









Also, your shockingly poor decision-making skills. But the thing about you that really vexes me (yeah, I figured you'd need a little help with that one) is the fact that you're famous. I am utterly flabbergasted by the notion that anyone actually gives a shit about your daily comings-and-goings. I was so relieved when they locked you up. I thought that maybe, just maybe, for three weeks, I'd be able to open my internet browser and see a headline other than something to the effect of "Paris's Dog Poops Image of Virgin Mary: Thousands Make Pilgrimmage to Beverly Hills". Sadly, I was mistaken. Instead of three weeks of quiet, we first get barraged with the tantrum you threw when you realized that jail actually sucks. Now that you're out, the paparrazzi can't get enough! I, however, can. And I have.

Paris, do you have any actual talents (no, doing body shots doesn't count. Neither does pole dancing.)? You have demonstrated that you are inept at virtually every artistic disclipline - singing, acting, the visual arts and the written word. What is it that you do? I mean, even Lindsey Lohan squeezes in some acting when she's not blowing lines off strippers' boobs. Exactly why, then, are you famous? You aren't remarkably cute, or funny. In fact, you appear to have no outstanding qualities (with the exception of an excess of both time and money). One last question: On your tax return, where you list your profession, does your accountant have to write "Drain on Society"?

Okay, that was mean, and I'm kind of sorry. But truly, I really do think that you should take a break from the spotlight. Take a vacation. A looooong vacation. Hey, I hear Siberia is nice this time of year! Or, take some of Daddy's money and put it to good use - go over to Africa and help Angelina and Brad in their effort to adopt the entire continent. I know it's hot and dirty over there, but hey, it's better than jail, right? Just think about it, okay? For me?

Yours in bad catch-phrases,
Meg