Prologue: Farewell Manhattan

Dear Manhattan,

I don't quite know how to tell you this, so I'm going to just come right out and say it: I'm leaving you. For the past 10 years, it's been you and me, kid. I feel like I owe you an explanation (also, I will still see you when I go to work, and we have mutual friends - I don't want things to be "weird").

In January of 1999, I saw you for the first time as an adult. And I fell instantly in love. Remember that blizzard? I skipped down your snowy streets, marveled at your graceful, powerful buildings, and watched, amazed, at how quickly the frenetic energy of Greenwich Village swallowed up the peaceful stillness of the sudden snowfall. That energy, the pounding, constant energy, was what really did me in. There was a feeling of vast potential - limitless possibility I had never felt before. And the people! On the subway, so many languages swirled around; on the streets, so many ethnicities mixed and interacted and lived together. Peacefully, mostly.

In September of that year, in one whirlwind weekend, I moved from Kentucky to New York. I rang in 2000 with my cousin and friends in Brooklyn (after attempting, briefly, the chaotic ball drop in Times Square - never again). I remember feeling so lucky, watching those poor suckers in Times Square as I sipped champagne in a warm apartment, surrounded by people I loved.

The ensuing New Year's celebrations were not all so happy - some were more, others were less (namely, one spent racing, in a full sprint, through Penn Station). Men, friends, jobs all drifted in and out of my life. But I always had you, Manhattan. I had a brief moment of weakness in 2006 when I nearly left you (for Seoul, oh what a mistake that would have been!). But nothing could quite pull me away from you - I could wander Central Park for hours, take the bus to the Cloisters and soak in the medieval ambiance, get lost in the crowds of Herald Square, or simply walk your streets in anonymity for hours.

Like a true Manhattanite, I eschewed the boroughs for many years. A friend moving to Brooklyn or Queens may as well have been moving to L.A. Gradually, though, I started venturing across the bridge more and more often. I remember one night in particular, when my friend Melissa invited me to go to Brooklyn with her to see a band play. It was an early summer night, and I remember being completely charmed (against my will) by the tree-lined streets, the brownstones, and the little shops, cafes and bars.

I didn't know it then, but Brooklyn had sunk its hooks into me.

It makes sense, really. My grandmother was a dyed-in-the-wool Brooklynite. Her Irish grandparents had settled in Flatbush, Brooklyn around the turn of the century, and she lived there until a dashing Merchant Marine from Pennsylvania stole her heart and carried her off to Ohio, where they raised a family (including my father) and lived happily for the next 50+ years. She may have lived in Ohio, but she rooted for the Dodgers and spoke with a thick Brooklyn accent until the day she spirited off to the Big Party in the Sky.

So, this summer, when my life changed abruptly and watching the East River swirl from a park bench in the Carl Schurz Park no longer brought me the same sense of calm, I shouldn't have been surprised when I felt a pull from the other side of the river. Those tree-lined streets called to me, Manhattan. I don't expect you to understand.

I have history here. I feel a sense of belonging here that you didn't always give me. In other words, it's not you, it's me.

One of the things I loved most about you was the ability to just get lost - disappear. After living so long in a small Kentucky community, where everyone knows everyone's business, anonymity was such a relief. For as long as I wanted, or needed, I could just vanish. Into the crowds, into the clubs, into the restaurants, into the stores, into the faceless ether.

The thing is, I think I'm done being lost. I think I'm ready to be found.

You'll always have a special place in my heart, Manhattan.

Stay dirty.

Love,

Meg

Brooklyn. 2011.

Adventures in Brooklyn: Park Slope, take 1

It was today, a week and two days after I moved to Brooklyn, that the first cold fingers of possible regret wound their way around my heart. A friend of mine was doing a Bloody Mary mix tasting at a local grocery. I needed a reason to get out of my apartment after a day spent unpacking and unsuccessfully trying to install minor home improvement items (such as a blasted paper towel holder - oh, it went in, eventually. A touch askance, maybe, but it's in) . Bloody Mary mix sounded like a damn good reason to walk away from the endless boxes for a bit.

I started walking down Seventh Avenue, happy to be relieved at last from unpacking, and enjoying the beautiful, almost-springlike weather. I came upon a slow-moving mass of people, several of whom were pushing strollers. Oy, the strollers. I knew this was a permanent feature of this particular neighborhood, and I'd been prepared. Or I thought I'd been prepared. As I squeezed past the stroller herd with a forced smile at the collective of fashionably dressed parents, my gaze was drawn up the busy street and my mouth dropped open. It was like a sea. A sea of strollers.

Big strollers, little strollers, three-wheeled strollers, covered strollers; all different makes, models and colors, rolling up and down Seventh Avenue. I sighed and hunkered down. Hands stuffed in my pockets, I weaved through another wave of strollers, and noticed how the shops and cafes I had found so charming before had suddenly taken on a slightly pretentious air - Eco-this, organically-grown that, local, sustainable, responsible... By the time I passed the food co-op on Union Street, I was aghast. What had I done?? Had I moved into the epicenter of a New Age, over-intellectualized, proselytizing nuevo-Yuppie enclave? I do consider myself a liberal, and I try to lead a socially and environmentally responsible life (yerch, even writing that made me a little nauseous), but I think there's a difference between practicing and preaching. And quite honestly, the whole scene was sort of overkill for my taste. As much as I find the careful tastefulness of the Old Monied women of the Upper East Side, with their fur coats and nannies, tiny dogs and immaculate manicures, unpalatable, I found this tableau of babies in unbleached, organic cotton onesies and parents sipping soy chai lattes (organic! local!) equally lacking in charm. What was I, a happily child-free, usually-recycling, sometimes-exercising, "normal" person doing here? I don't have a degree from a fancy college. I read the NY Times, but mostly just the Travel section.

The thought rose like a bubble in my chest, "I don't even like Sufjan Stevens".

I reached the grocery, finally. By now I was seething with contempt for this place, and walking in there did no good for my already sour mood. It was like a caricature of everything I had found irritating on my walk over - children running amok ("No, Charles! You know you can only have soy yogurt!"), long lines for overpriced, fancy (organic!) food, expensive gadgets (including a sea salt grater. You know, for your sustainably, um, farmed sea salt) - I barely made it past the local, organic jars of marinara sauce before I turned on my heel in full retreat. No Bloody Mary in the world could entice me to fight that crowd.

As I stormed back to my apartment, now in a full-on snit, I desperately looked for some redeeming quality to this neighborhood. By redeeming, I mean something real - some signs of actual life, beyond what the current issue of "The Atlantic" or "Organic Parenting" is prescribing. Some personality, if you will. As a stroller rolled over my shoe on Seventh Avenue, I shook my head and mumbled, "Fucking strollers, man!" A middle-aged woman sitting on a bench drinking a (soy?) coffee scowled at me in disapproval. Like an angst-ridden teenager, I rolled my eyes in response and stomped myself into the nearest deli, where, with no small feeling of rebellious delight, I bought a pack of cigarettes and a Diet Coke.

Extra chemicals, please.

A Beginner's Guide to Walking in NYC

I am a walker. And when I say I'm a walker, I mean that it's one of my SuperPowers. I don't walk. I WALK. I've noticed over time that many people, while they have the upright, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other part down, seem to be somewhat challenged when it comes to knowing The Rules. I have decided, as an act of charity towards humanity, to share some of the hard-won wisdom I have gathered over the 10 years and countless miles of swathing paths through the urban jungle.

You're welcome.

1) WHEN IT'S RAINING carry an appropriately sized umbrella, fools!! Sidewalk space is valuable real estate, don't hog it with that freaking enormous golf umbrella! Ask yourself: Am I playing golf? Am I sheltering a kindergarten class from the rain? Do I weigh 400 lbs? If the answer to all of the above is no, then go buy a regular damn umbrella. Still confused? Let me break it down: Imagine umbrellas came with occupancy guidelines, like some apartments. That regular, craptastic $3 umbrella you bought off the street guy? That's a 1 bedroom. Comfortably fits 1 or 2 people. That slightly larger, "wind proof" umbrella your dumb ass dropped $50 on at the Samsonite store? Maaaaybe a 2 bedroom. A golf umbrella is a 3 bedroom. If you are the only a-hole under that thing, don't be surprised when people glare at you and/or laugh gleefully when you get splashed with Street Juice by the bus that hits the pothole. Because you are a Douche.

2) PEOPLE PUSHING STROLLERS should not walk in herds. I'm sorry, yes your baby is very cute but when you and two of your friends are pushing these newfangled monstrosities that have more standard options than your average minivan (cupholders? really?) side by side down a crowded street? You, also, are being a Douche. I'm pretty sure that back in the day, strollers were merely devices intended to push Baby from point A to point B. These new things have compartments for mom's People magazine, her Bloomingdale's bags and Starbucks Skinny Latte, half the crap Baby scored at the shower, and a Blackberry charging station. Really? How far are you going?! How far could you possibly push that beast and do you really need all this stuff? Sherpas headed up Everest would consider that overpacking.

3) YES CABS ARE SCARY but they are far, far from the worst threat facing pedestrians in our fair city. Frequently cabbies don't own their cabs and they're not trying to spend their afternoon Down At The Station where they can contemplate if ArmorAll protects wheels from blood and guts. True menaces include: Buses. They are providing a Public Service, more or less, and have a skewed sense of entitlement when it comes to traffic rules. Bike Messengers. Bike Messengers can be truly scary even when they're not on their bikes! They make motorcycles gangs look like Ladies Who Lunch. Although in paper, rock and scissors, Bus wins over Bike Messenger. Access-a-ride. Apparently times are tough for the transporters of the handicapped, as they always seem to be trying to create new customers. Bike Messenger trumps Access-a-Ride, but Access-a-Ride and Bus...well, that's a draw.

4) MAN UP AND LEARN how to jaywalk properly! This isn't Japan, people, it's NYC! The jaywalking capital of the world! There is an art to it, as well as a certain satisfaction when A Walker is able to double-block a car (timing is everything, you have to know how to judge a crosswalk). True and inspired jaywalking is a craft that must be honed, and involves a complicated system of traffic light knowledge, an understanding of human nature and the periodic table, balls, and a careful selection of Human Shields. For those neophytes who may be timid, the Human Shield is an excellent start on a path to Jaywalking Greatness. The elderly, the aforementioned Stroller Pushers (really anyone with a child), the drunken stumbler (although their judgement may be off, choose carefully), tourists, or That Guy Who's Texting and Totally Not Paying Attention are all solid choices. The trick is to position yourself so they are in between you and oncoming traffic. Ta-da! If someone's getting hit, it's not you! See? Easy.

5) THERE IS AN ETIQUETTE TO WALKING IN THE RAIN. Do it right! If you have an umbrella, don't hog awnings. Yeah, look at that person who was too dumb to look out their window this morning, haha! What about you, smartypants? What about the next time you're in a rush and fail to bow before the altar of the Weather on the 1s on your way out the door? It's gonna happen! Either that or your douche co-worker will steal your umbrella, and then it will be your turn to be That Guy. Ha, who's laughing now? That's what I thought. Those without umbrellas automatically and without question get Awning Priority (although as an addendum, this does not include the right to huddle in a busy subway entrance - it's your turn, buddy, suck it up and get wet, or throw down $3 for a one-bedroom). Crappy, umbrella-necessitating weather also means a free pass for all the poor schmuck delivery guys, and yes, even those psychopath bike messengers. If they nearly run you down, today it's probably not because they're being dicks (although this is still a possibility), it's because they're dripping wet and freezing their man parts off.

So there you have it. It's merely a beginner's guide, and I'm sure I will manage to piss off a bike messenger (heh! sorry!) but, regardless, please take heed. Intermediate/ advanced guide forthcoming...

Blueprint cleanse: Day 3

Today was more or less like yesterday - I felt mostly good. Energetic, clear-headed, and just kind of clean. Not to mention skinny - I've lost 4 pounds since I started! Maybe it's water, but it is motivating.

I did feel hungry at times. I've found my definition of "hunger" has really changed. When I do feel hunger pains, it's a more of an empty feeling (probably because my stomach is actually totally empty for once!) than a pain. I have had some random cravings for food, usually when I smell it, but it doesn't seem to trigger actual hunger. It's more of a passing thought that sounds good at the time but is quickly dismissed. I have discovered that I probably eat out of boredom a lot. At times during work, I would have an impulse to go to the snack cabinet. For no reason. I wasn't particularly hungry or experiencing a craving.

This experience has been an interesting one. I do feel "cleansed". I am looking forward to CHEWING again! I don't think I could do it every month, as the Blueprint Cleanse people recommend, but twice a year would be perfect! The first day is rough, but the glowing skin and numbers on the scale make it worth sticking out the three days!

Blueprint cleanse: Day 2

11:30 AM - I woke up today and I wasn't hungry. Hmm. This is odd for me, I generally am totally ravenous by the time I leave for work (around 8:30). I drank my room-temperature water, and my body seemed to be totally cool with that. Hm!

When I got to work, I chugged back my green juice (which today didn't taste quite as unpalatable!) and supplemented that with some herbal tea and water. I should probably consider moving my desk closer to the bathroom for the next two days.

Up to this point, I had been feeling pretty good! Clear-headed, and kind of light and fresh (and also skinny, I dropped 2 lbs since Sunday!). Around 10:15, that all changed. I totally crashed - I suddenly felt as if I had been up until 4 AM last night doing Kamakaze shots. I was bone tired, mentally fuzzy, I had a headache and felt phsyically worn down. I literally almost fell asleep at my desk ("No, I'm just stretching my neck, I had a kink in it!"). I decided it was time for a caffine boost, and grabbed a green tea. That seems to have done the trick!

4:25 PM - I am still feeling pretty good! I've been quite productive today, and managed to get through some very unstimulating tasks with relative ease. I also haven't been all that hungry. One time I did smell some "phantom" food, and perked up eagerly, but once I realized it wasn't real, I settled back into work without a problem. I'm drinking the lemonade now, which is very refreshing. I can't say I am all that excited about the beet juice tonight. Hopefully it will be like the green drink and taste better the second time around.

11:00 PM - The beet juice was harder this time, but I tried chugging it, so maybe that was the problem. It's got a lot of flavor, and it can be kind of overwhelming. The nut milk was much better tonight. Although it's kind of gritty, I look at it as an opportunity to chew. Ha.

I've noticed that my skin is looking really good. I saw myself in the mirror tonight and literally did a second-take. It is literally glowing. Maybe there is something to all this...

Blueprint Cleanse: Day 1

I woke up hungry. Like, hungry hungry. I am a breakfast eater - it's my favorite meal of the day, hands down. I typically start out the day with fruit, Kashi cereal with soy milk or Greek yogurt (or an everything bagel with light cream cheese if I am being "bad"). Today, however, the first item on the menu was water, either room temperature or hot with lemon (mmm! how filling!). I drank down my water, but it didn't do much to curb my appetite (shocking, I know). I couldn't wait to get to work where my first juice was waiting for me!

When I arrived at my office, I raced to the fridge for my first juice of the day (the green juice, consisting of of romaine, celery, cucumber, green apple, spinach, kale, parsley and lemon). Tomorrow morning, I may not run quite as fast. It looks and smells like grass juice. I'm not accustomed to breakfast vegetables, unless they are in an omelet. So it was a little disappointing, but hunger prevailed and I cracked it open. To my surprise, it tasted much better than it smelled. But it was still kind of a struggle to get down. About halfway through, I was feeling a little sick to my stomach. Luckily, that passed (it may have been the green tea I was drinking to supplement the juice).

Now, I am waiting for my "lunch" juice. I'm trying to hold back until noon, but it's rough. I am drinking a water to shut my growling stomach up. Besides being hungry, though, I feel pretty good. Kind of mentally clear. But my breath is kickin'! And I read it's not good to chew gum because it makes your body think it's eating, which makes you hungrier. So I'll be hitting the Listerine pretty hard today, and tomorrow I will try to remember to bring my toothbrush.

1:00 PM - So I'm on to the second juice now (pineapple, apple and mint). I started drinking it around noon. I find that drinking them slowly curbs potential hunger. This one is actually pretty tasty.

2:40 PM - I was feeling a little sluggish a bit ago. Just kind of all-around not-so-hot. I'm kind of not looking forward to this next juice (the second green one! Noooo!), but I'm starving so I will choke it down.

4:00 PM - I triumphed over the second green juice! Yea! This one wasn't as bad as the first one (maybe because I was STARVING. I bet if I had rushed down to Central Park in a frenzy of starvation and ripped up a handful of grass, that would have tasted okay, too). Energy-wise, I am doing pretty well. I feel pretty well overall, but sometimes I get slight waves of stomach-upset. That and I am peeing a LOT. I am even considering going to the gym tonight.

7:00 PM - I drank my other juice (like a master cleanse - water, lemon, agave and cayenne) about two hours ago. It was very light, refreshing and sweet, although how people do the master cleanse and drink nothing but that for 2 weeks is completely beyond me! I'm on to the beet juice now. It's not terrible. Tastes like...well, beets. The ingredients are: Apple, carrot, beet, lemon and ginger juice. It's got a really strong taste.

9:00 PM - Time for the "dessert" juice - cashew nut milk. It sounded delicious and creamy, with vanilla and Cinnamon sweetened by agave nectar. And the first swig was delicious! So was the second. And the third. However, by the time I had made my way halfway through the bottle, my enthusiasm was beginning to wane. It was kind of thick, with bits of crushed cashews floating around in it (you have to shake this one really well). At times, I almost felt like I needed to...chew! This should have made me happy, but truthfully, finishing it was a struggle. The sweetness started to upset my now-pristine stomach. Shortly afterwards, as I was puttering around my apartment, I was trying to place the strange sensation coming from my stomach. It took me a while to put my finger on it: I was full.

Liveblogging - Viewing of "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen"

10.25 pm - A couple minutes in.  Something about a caveman getting squished by a Decepticon.  Now we're in China, and the Autobots are helping Army guys with something and blowing things up.  Fancy bridge explosion.  Optimus Prime should consider doing movie trailer voice-overs.

10.27 pm - I guess that Sam kid is going to college.  Why is he so tan?

10.30 pm - Megan Fox apparently hasn't taken any acting lessons since the last Transformers.

  Ooh!  Sam found a Cube sliver (from the last one!  Remember the last one?  I do, vaguely!) that is making his toaster evil.  Why didn't it have this effect if it was in his house the whole time..?  And why is he so freakin' tan??

10.32 pm - Bumblebee!  And why does Megan Fox's character wear lip gloss to work?  She works at a garage, right?  

10.34 pm - Why is Sam breaking up with Bumblebee?  Bumblebee is awesome.  "You'll always be my first car" - whatever, Sam!  They all say that!

10.37 pm - Megan has the cube.  Boring stuff.  Army guys.  Autobot slapstick (not funny).  Ooh!  Fancy space explosion, I hope?  Ugh, no.  Decepticons just stealing satellite information.  Sigh.

10.40 pm - Optimus Prime should really consider voice-overs.  "Coming...to a theater near you." 

10.42 pm - Oh snap.  That guy just totally gave the Decepticons the exact location of Megatron.  Also a detailed briefing on the security surrounding him.  NICE ONE, GUY!

10.44 pm - Seriously?  Sam's college roommates have turned their dorm room into some kind of amateur TMZ headquarters.  My dorm room wasn't big enough to do a full jumping jack.  

10.49 pm - Oooh.  Shiny tiger!  Appears that Shiny Tiger is a Decepticon.  And he's at an army base doing something eeeeevil with shiny silver marbles...that turned into shiny evil bugs!  Lots of them!  They appear to be better with computers than the IT guy at my work.

10.51 pm - Frat party.  Also don't remember college being like this.  The frat house is like a cool bar/lounge.  Uh oh!  Some other hot chick is macking on Sam!  And he's leaving Megan allllll alooone!  On the upside, Bumblebee is back!  Hot chick is also unnaturally tan and now Sam has stood up the GF for their slightly-skeevy-sounding "webcam" date.  

10.56 pm - It's suddenly daytime.  Graveyard chat w/ Optimus Prime.  Sam leaves things a 'lil awkward with the OP.  There's a boat, and some fake-looking octopuses (octopi?).  Oooh, I get it.  The Decepticons are busting Megatron out of the joint (which is under the sea).  Word.  How is he not rusty?  He's been in a moist environment for, like, three years.  He's made out of metal, right?

11.01 pm - Wait, Megatron has a boss?  

Oooh, Dwight from "The Office" is playing Sam's astronomy professor!  I hope he got a good day rate for this.  Rut-ro!  Sam is losing his shizz!  Good twitchy face, tho!  Well at least one thing hasn't changed since I was in college - first semester meltdowns!  Woot!

11.05 pm - Clumsy Decepticon.  With a Bronx accent?  It's the Joe Pesci Deceptcion.

11.10 pm - Oops.  Turns out Hot Chick was actually...wait for it...wait for it...a Decepticon!  She exploded out of her human body into a horrifying robot.  And actually that was an improvement over the crusty fake tan she was rockin'.  What's up with the TAAAAAANS??

11.12 pm - Hot chick Decepticon is blowing up the library!  Ha!  Too bad there's still the Internet, slackers!  Get back to work on those term papers!

11.13 pm - We're bringing Sam's roommate into the mix.  He's a salty Latino.  Ooh!  Car gets sawed in half.  I'm yawning.  The Decepticons got Sam!  They should go at him first with some lemon juice and salt, this tan situation is really bugging me.  Instead, they choose the boring route and stick a probe down his throat and try to saw his head open.  Again with the saw...

11.17 pm - Hello, Autobots!  Bumblebee and OP to the rescue.  Sweet fight between Megatron and OP.  It's in a forest, so they're breaking some trees.  Sam does a cheesy leap.  Maybe he's been taking Corny Stunt Manoeuvres 101 in college (Prof Nicholas Cage).

11.19 pm - No, OP!  Don't try to take on all the Decepticons by yourself!  NOOO!  Where's Bumblebee?  Wait - DID THEY JUST KILL OFF OPTIMUS PRIME????!?  WTF, Michael Bay!

11.21 pm - I can't believe they just killed off Optimus Prime!  And now Megatron's Boss is coming??  This movie sucks.

11.23 pm - Are those douche Decepticons in NYC?  Why does every action movie director/writer feel the urge to destroy my home?  This seems unfair.  What's wrong with St. Louis or Detroit?

11.26 pm - Ooh the Decepticons are coming outta the closet!  Oh gawd.   Again with the "silly" Autobots.  Ha.  Yeah, this isn't Toy Story.  Enough with the kiddie humor.  

11.29 pm - * Tear * They drop OP off like some kind of cash-for-clunker trade-in.  Again, what's with the TANS??  And why did they take Fergie's husband's character's badge?

11.37 pm - Something with a deli guy..with a top secret lair under his deli.  Sorry, I went to smoke and missed something.  Deli guy is unnaturally tan as well - is the color off on my TV or something?  Oooh we're bringing back the Joe Pesci Decepticon.  And now we're off to Washington D.C.  

11.42 pm - The new guy!  Poop jokes and fun with tasers!  Breaking into the Smithsonian.  Personal update - growing...bored.  Getting...sleepy.  Oh!  They woke up a grouchy, British (?) Decepticon!  With a beard..?  He's like Gordon Ramsey, as a Decepticon.

11.47 pm - Wait - is Megatron's boss's name The Fallen?  And I think they leaped to the Middle East?  Oh it's Egypt.  Oh, so this Decepticon is actually an Autobot.  He decided he didn't like the negativity of the Decepticons.  Nice.

11.50 pm - Oh, I see.  Yes, Megatron's boss's name is actually...The Fallen.  Sigh.  That makes this whole movie that much less interesting.  And it was already only mildly interesting.  Sigh sigh.

11.52 pm - Did someone say this movie was hella long?  Like 2 1/2 hours?  Oh the new kid's name is Leo.  Getting sleepy...

11.58 pm - Still not finding those "comic relief" Autobots very funny.  So, they may be able to bring Optimus Prime back to life!  How is it possible for Megan Fox to have perfect lip gloss on ALL THE TIME??  I can barely keep it on for 30 minutes.

12.01 am - I feel like I've given this little project all I've got to give.  I'm bored and ready to go to bed.  This movie is way too long.  It has poorly written dialogue (jokes are only funny about 35% of the time), and overly complicated plot, and I'm completely uninvested in the well-being or fates of ANY of these characters.  

Except Bumblebee and Optimus Prime.